Month: February 2015

The first month of the year has really been a great start for me. It’s no secret that the previous year has brought a lot of struggles and frustrations to me that I wanted it to end fast so that I can start all over again with a clean slate in 2015. Indeed, by God’s grace, year 2015 has given me a new hope and chance to try and attempt great things for God again.

So I planned, I made commitments and tried to fulfil it. But things get in the way and now I’m starting to feel frustrated and disappointed again. I’ve always known and believed that God can do great things through me. I also know that God is pleased with faith so I thought that this faith can bring me to great places. But how come things don’t happen the way I expected it to be? How come that it seems nothing is happening according to my plans?

Then it hit me. Did I say MY PLANS? That exactly explains why ‘nothing’ is happening. I’m still trying to do things on my own strength and effort so God’s grace and power can’t have a room in my life. Now I realized that this is the lesson that I always keep on missing.

God is more concerned about my journey more than my destination so unless I let Him take control of ALL areas of my life, I will forever remain in this cycle of trying and failing.

He is more concerned about molding my character into Christlikeness so He will not allow me to get my heart’s desire without learning the most important lesson I should  learn from Jesus’ life: HUMILITY and SUBMISSION.

Even if I don’t admit it, God knows that there is still a part of my heart that I keep for myself. I’m still unwilling to surrender it to God and so I struggled. Now I’m beginning to understand that Jesus does not want just a part but ALL parts of my life. And I am still not able to do it because there still remains selfishness and pride deep inside my heart. The only way to remove them is to make me broken so that I would learn about dependence and humility. And I realized that I really need a lot of breaking from God. So now I want to make this bold prayer: ‘Lord, break me!’

I know it won’t be easy but God’s grace is always sufficient so I’m sure that everything will turn out to be perfect.

To be honest, this is one of my favorite questions from the challenge.

One thing that I really appreciate (and sometimes missed) about my younger self is my capability of dreaming BIG. I am a very ambitious woman by nature and I know that once I’ve set my heart and mind on something and committed to do it, I can always make things happen.
I praise Jesus that He has changed  that attitude in me because He wouldn’t have a room in my life if He didn’t intervene.

As I’ve said earlier, I’ve always known what I wanted in my life, and I was very determined to accomplish it. When I was still in college, I already know what kind of job I want to have so after my graduation and right after I passed my board exam in 2008, I researched everything I need to learn and do to get the job I want. But because God is a gracious and merciful God, He allowed me to fail at least twice before I finally landed on my dream job. It’s maybe because He wanted me to remain humble and learn the truth that without Him, I am nothing. One of the things that I did during the time that I was so down because of my ‘failure’ was to identify and list down my goals in 20, 5 years and 6 months’ time. I’ve read about the goal-setting exercise from the book of my cousin so I tried to do it and write it in my notebook. I forgot (as always expected of me, haha!) about that goals when I started working so when I found my notebook again late last year, I was surprised when I realized that the deadline I’ve set for my 5-year goal was almost up. (By the way, I forgot to tell you that aside from being ambitious, I am also very impulsive so I tend to forget my commitments and  change my mind a lot, and that’s why it’s also easy for me to change course. I know I have to change that attitude as well.)

Anyway, here’s what I’ve written in my notebook:

As you can see, year 2014 has passed and I haven’t started paying for my own house and I’m still paying my rent. I don’t have 300 thousand savings in my bank account, I haven’t even started my master’s degree and I am neither a professor nor a project manager.
The only thing I checked off from that list is to reach Visayas and Mindanao but the good thing about it is that I’ve been to that places for FREE! Plus, I was able to get out of the country, for free!

Do I regret and feel disappointed that I wasn’t able to achieve my goals? No. Because I know that even if someone will offer to give me everything I wanted back then in exchange for the life I have in Jesus right now, I will not accept it. Yes, I will be very happy to get it but I’m sure that it won’t last long. I know that I will still feel unfulfilled and dissatisfied and will keep on looking and searching for the meaning and purpose of life. So, thanks but no thanks. I’d rather be where I am right now, with Jesus.

I know that I made the right choice because God has never failed to affirm and confirm this truth to me. So I am happy and contented as I am right now. I may not be where I WANT to be but I thank God that I am where I NEED to be and where He wants me to be, and I know that greater things are yet to come. 😀

Year 2014 was a year of self-discovery for me. Blame it on the number of personality tests I took last year, I became aware of my good and not-so-good personality traits. I’ve learned that  I am an ISTP and the description is pretty accurate for me. I’ve also learned that my language of love is quality time and acts of service so I now understand why it’s awkward for me to say ‘I love you’ to my friends and loved ones or be mushy and touchy-feely to them. Anyway, this post is not about my personality type. I just want to share how my increased self-awareness has lead me to this post about my recent discovery.

One thing I discovered about myself lately is that I’m not good at making friends. I didn’t notice it before because I really thought I’m friendly. It’s easy for me to start a conversation with someone I just met especially when the situation calls for it. I am also comfortable with meeting new groups of people so I’m pretty sure that I am not anti-social. It was only after I read several books and articles about friendship when I realized that what I’ve been actually doing for the longest time is just making aquaintances and not really making friends. It’s easy for me to talk with strangers but it actually takes a long time for me to open up and get close to anyone. But once we get close, I always try to take extra effort to spend time with them. Don’t get me wrong. I do have a lot of true friends and I know who they are. And that’s where my problem comes in because since I love spending time with my friends, I also want to make time for ALL of them. Aside from that, I also have to balance my time for my work and ministry so learning how to prioritize is truly a challenge. As what our local proverb say, ‘pag gusto, may paraan. pag ayaw, maraming dahilan (If there’s a will, there’s a way). Since I believe in this saying, I always try to make time for people I value the most.

However, I also know that I have a very limited time so I’m now praying that God will lead me to the right people I should spend time with and reveal to me the people whom I will and should keep for life.